Jasmine Hart

Hi, This flows nicely and I love how the simplicity of the pattern contrasts with the speaker's pain. The last two stanzas are really great. The tone is very powerful ...

Hey Clau, I really enjoyed this. I like how the form contrasts with what you're saying, and it also gives it a sort of throw-away feel, which is great. The ...

Hi, I loved the first two lines of the second stanza because there was that moment where I thought his daughter was actually sitting on his desk! The ending is ...

Hi, This was nice and different. I'd look at the tone because you're switching between different registers. I'd change "in sickness" to "sick" and "the time has surpassed" to "it ...

Hi, This is really lovely. I really enjoyed it. Your imagery is great and the rhyme scheme compliments the piece. I especially enjoyed the second stanza, and it ends beautifully. ...

Hi, Welcome to Yws! I hope you like it here. I love the first four lines. You create a very clear image and manage to convey the emotions of the ...

Hi, Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here. I really like "No longer do the pillows Comfort us in our own beds" I'd cut out lines line "while ...

Hi, This is a lovely idea and I love your imagery, especially; "The air is green" and "horses' hooves pound the ground" (the internal rhyme here is great.) and "the ...

Hi Tenyo, The first paragraph is great, it really drew me in and you have a very strong narrative voice going here. I'd cut "bank account" because you don't need ...

Hi Asxz, This was really funny. I really enjoyed it! The dialogue was brilliant and I especially loved; "while some of the other guests, who had been here longer, cried ...

Hi, The first line is interesting. I'd try to extend the dance metaphor throughout the poem. I'd go through this and cut words like "battle" "blood" "brave" and instead describe ...

Hi, Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here. I really enjoyed this. It flows perfectly and I love the onomatopoeia of it, especially "sizzeling" and the last two ...

Hi, I really liked the twist at the end here. I'd cut "Tears" etc from the start of the stanzas. I'd also either cut "the alarms I installed" or add ...

Hi, I like your use of varying stanzas. "Breath" should be "Breathe." This seemed a bit artificial to me. I just didn't believe the "kill me slowly", "burning fire". I'm ...

Hi, The first line is genius! I absolutely love and adore "But now...lengthish". It was so clever! I'll admit you lost me with the aura of mystery and the ham, ...